Criminal Intent

Lately I’ve been obsessed with Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I would catch it on cable when there was nothing else on every once in awhile. But I quickly realized it was not the show that I loved when I DVR-ed it and got an episode with Julianne Nicholson and Chris North. I was shocked to find I could not get through five minutes of Nicholson’s annoying, freckled face wispiness. (By the way, Nicholson was born and raised in Medford, MA.) Although Nicholson bugs the shit out of me, it’s not her that kills the show for me. The truth is I don’t even like cop shows. I never have. I never watched the original Law & Order and I don’t even like Special Victims Unit. I don’t like the Shield and I used to get seriously annoyed whenever my father would force me to watch NYPD Blue or some shit. What I love about Law & Order Criminal Intent is simply Vincent D’Onofrio.My love for D’Onofrio is not new. I’ve seen pretty much every independent film he’s ever done. I even considered enduring The Cell just to see his face. D’Onofrio ranks up there for me as one of my top five favorite actors in both my lust for them and their immense skill. But what is it about him that makes even a pile of shit movie bearable to me? And what is it about say Winona Rider that will kill Dracula, one of my favorite stories, for me? I have no idea about the latter situation except to say that she can’t really act her way out of a paper bag and her defense of her shoplifting in recent press articles makes me want to vomit. I mean, yes Winona, you didn’t hurt anyone, but how much fucking money do you have? Do you really have to steal? And if so, couldn’t you at least been a little modern day Robin Hoody about it? But I am getting off my favorite topic as of late… Vincent D’Onofrio. Through my work as a music journalist and my experience with my friends who have encountered some degree of fame, I have learned a few things about the nature of fan mail. Most people who get fan mail say that a lot of the letters are prefaced with a disclaimer along the lines of, “I am not one of those crazy fans, but I've always felt connected to you somehow,” which of course they are because otherwise they would't feel the pull of some imagined connection with a stranger. Also, I've been told by some friends that the fan mail can range from just crazy to bat shit crazy. (By the way, I recently learned that the original of that saying is because bat shit fumes can actually make you crazy.) Anyway, what does this have to do with Vincent D’Onofrio? I discovered while googling him for the 100th time in my life… we share the same birthday!I mean, I had always known I shared a special connection with Vinny D, but now I know what it is. I mean we’re cosmically linked by our birthdays. I mean people born on June 30th are sensitive, intuitive, talented individuals. Vinny and I share that deep, brooding, slightly dangerous air—as if at any moment we could burst into tears or a blind rage. We both care passionately about our work and humanity. If you read any of his quotes or follow his career, you will see that he chose integrity over money, just like me. It must be the birthday that truly does bind us together. It must be why I love him enough that I could quite happily watch him read the phone book.I was content to go with the birthday phenomenon until I realized one thing. Vincent and I also share a birthday with Mike Tyson. And suddenly my theory is blown. Because as much as I would like to believe in this theory so that I am forever psychically linked with D’Onofrio, I can’t fully believe in any theory that associates me in any way with the ear biting, wife beating, face tattooing psychopath. So it’s not our birthdays that cause me to feel that special connection with Vincent D’Onofrio. It has to be something else. I am determined to find out what it is. Perhaps I will write a fan letter of my own. But mine will go something like this…

Dear Mr. D’Onofrio,Let me preface this letter by saying, I am one of those crazy fans. In fact, I am bat shit crazy. And incidentally, I know where that saying comes from quite well because I live in Austin, TX where about a million bats fly out from under a bridge every night. I do not think the bats have any bearing on my state of mind though, as I am originally from Boston, MA and I have been crazy a lot longer than I have lived in Austin.Anyway, I am writing because I have always felt that we share a special bond. I have always connected emotionally with your work. I originally thought that this connection was based on our shared birthdays, but it’s not that because frankly we also share a birthday with Mike Tyson. And well, you know how he is… So could it be something else? Do you perhaps secretly love Dawson’s Creek? Do you have a non-verbal learning disorder as well? Maybe you also really love miniature foods? Do you write poems? I think Mr. D’Onofrio that we should get together to get to the bottom of this. I afraid that if it is the birthday, then you and I could be headed down the ear biting path as well and I think its best we work together to avoid this. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I hope to hear from you soon.Sincerely,Little Mean Girl